When SAD is my favorite word

Have you ever thought of living in a world full of sadness? Have you ever thought that life if so unfair, that all it gives you is heartbreak? Have you ever thought of just staying alone in your room and shutting the world out? Have you ever wondered how it feels like to be happy everyday and never worry about anything? I have. I always think that way. I don’t know why, but everything associated with SAD or SADNESS, becomes my favorite. I’ve been living this way since I started falling in love. I was in grade school when I started learning the meaning of LOVE and PAIN. I don’t know why I had to start that early, but it really struck me. From knowing nothing to knowing everything about love, real quick.

There are moments when I ask myself, “Do we really need to get hurt when we fall in love?” But I get no answer whenever I ask that to myself. But one of my friends told me that when you fall in love, pain will automatically be there too. Why? Why do we need to get through painful moments and break ourselves into pieces? Why cab’t we just stay happy when we’re in love?

Because loving someone means accepting what comes next. Loving someone means opening your heart to all the possibilities that might happen in the future. Loving means getting ready for all the coming challenges between you and the one you love. It’s ironic how we are able to keep on loving someone when we feel pained and distracted because of that person. It’s ironic how we still manage to love the same person who always gives us pain. Right? It’s ironic, yet we still keep on holding on because when we love someone, we feel like we can’t let go of that person. Because letting go feels like killing ourselves, when we’re in love. That’s how strong love is — it makes us face pain like it’s easy to get through it.

Yes, I am in a relationship, but I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I am the only one who’s trying so hard to fight for our relationship. I feel like I am alone in this journey, while I am supporting him with his goals. He didn’t have time for me these past few days, and I know that it would continue for more days and even a month, and I don’t know what to do. Should I keep on fighting? Should I keep on hurting myself? Or should I just let him go and just wait for him until he’s ready to have someone special again? I know that I should be supporting him all the way, but all I’m asking from him is just a little time. Just simple Good morning or Good night would be enough. But these past few days, I didn’t get any of it. That’s what I don’t understand. Is it really hard to give a minute of your 24 hours to someone, you said, you love so much?

I’ve been feeling sad since he started being busy for his IELTS Exam, but I still try my best to understand our situation, most especially his situation. The only problem is that, he just can’t understand how I am feeling every day. Every single day that he’s not giving me anything. I pity myself. Why do I have to be sad all the time, when I can actually set myself free? When I can just let him go and be happy?

Maybe it’s because I love him so much. But until when?

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